and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
