I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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