Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
