I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
