she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
