I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
