She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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