I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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