you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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