Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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