Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
