so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
