playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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