You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
