You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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