Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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