The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
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