I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Less talking, more tequila
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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