My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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