Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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