i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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