The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
