Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
