Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
