Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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