He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
