This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
