you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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