I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
