I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You made out with two different species that night
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
whose parrot is this?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
