Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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