The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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