Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
