I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
