Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
