I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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