So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
