Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
