I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
