OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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