The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
