i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
