I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
