I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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