How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize