I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
