Soap is not a condiment
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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