Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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