6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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