i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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