it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize