you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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