like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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