Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
