we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
