His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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