I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
