dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
