Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
