FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
