Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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