I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
