gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have fence marks all over my body
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
