Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize